I am fine

Sometimes when I say that I am fine
Can you read between the lines?
Can you see beyond my smiles
The tears I fight and hold
from welling in my bleary eyes?

For sometimes when I fall
I look around the rough
And I find reasons to smoothly sail on
With these chuckles that I share
That mask the crackles of hopeless melodies
Like strumming a broken piece of chord strings.

But It’s in the loneliness
I feel in their hugs
A purpose that thrusts
When they tug.


And if you listened hard enough
You just might hear where
and how they want to be loved;
it’s in the gentle sounds within their echoes;
the innocent growl in their aggression
that beckons for just a little affection;
too weary of our neglect and rejection.

But Sometimes I say that I am fine
When I’m only trying to hold on to
what could have been mine.
And if you read between the lines
You would see with me
The many blessings they long for
That rest as thine.

Ready to go!!!

It is a Sunday morning. A beautiful and bright sunny day. Today, I move again to Kingston-this time, for 10 weeks. It will be 10 weeks of clinical rotations in Pediatrics and Psychiatry. The air here smells of ambivalence.

It has been a very rough six weeks of didactic learning, getting an average of four and a half hours of sleep every week day. So you might understand why I am ever so glad for a Friday night. Now it is time to get handy; time to auscultate with stethoscopes, administer meds, and do all the necessary teachings to be done. I look forward to my time at Bellevue though, despite the apprehensive stories told about the mentally ill. The kids and I usually form a kind of understanding from early, so I'm sure we'll get along alright. Through experience, I have realized that regardless of the uncertainties in my environment, I usually find ways to adapt and keep a smile - and this, usually by finding another who needs a smile, and ways to make them smile. There's always someone needing.

I am ever so humbled by how, amid my imperfections, God chooses to be consistently good to me, even in days when I know for a fact I do not deserve. There is no questioning I have my days when I doubt Him. The days when I dare to entertain the thoughts of questioning God; after waiting on a much needed intervention that did not come. I wonder where He’s gone, and why He’s departed His presence from me.

And occasionally I rationalize His absence as a consequence of my indulgence. I think, perhaps I really do deserve these things that happen to me, because I have been naughty here and again. But after it is all said and done, there is a voice of hope that whispers within. I sit back and stare, amazed, at how He worked through all the situations, the good, bad, and ugly to bring me to a place of rest and joy. And to know that it really did not matter if I had been naughty or not; deserving or not, He still comes through for me, even in the most frightening, intimidating, uncertain and overwhelming circumstances. I find it most gratifying. And it gives me the drive to go, without a doubt that He will be with me even now as I make this trip.

Wait up Kingston!!! I am on my way!!!

It's here

The much anticipated day has finally arrived. It is Sunday, 12:30a.m February 13, 2011. In a couple hours from now I will be live on stage, stroking the chords of my guitar, with words and songs to stir and entertain an expectant audience. I hope I do alright. But I’m sure I will. Usually, I do.

The days have run by so quick since my audition in October 2010. At the time, Valentine’s Day seemed like a really long time away, and the air of anxiety that blew across my face these past few days held still and mild.

Yesterday, I felt a strong wind blow at rehearsals. That sort of anxious wind that blows within a podium or beneath its pulpit; always present to greet, size and shake up the next amateur to approach the microphone. And not even my feigning pro could prevent its ploy. It got me for a little bit. Well, maybe more than a little. But I was glad it was only "rehearsals."

Today at 6pm I hope to own the stage. I hope to strip Mr. Anxiety off its insidious ploys and the scheming manipulative games it plays.

In retrospect, it was a bit hard creating a balance between the rigors of school, tests, labs, study, and meeting with my boys for practice and jam sessions. Then there were the hassles of carrying the guitar from home to class every other day, and dreading being compelled to play in class...ha!- well I eventually did, and it turned out to be a fun time for everyone.

I will always remember these days; the rushing to the clothes store in the wake of the morning with hope that the shirt I window shopped and constantly dreamed of the previous night hadn't been bought and taken off the stand; dashing out of my room at 6:50 am to meet up with an interview appointment on the radio set at 7 a.m(its about 20 minutes from my home to campus)- but you know they had to wait. And I'm sure that these memories will remain to help provide me with pleasant moments of nostalgia on a melancholic moonless night...

One such night after practice on campus, on my home in a taxi, I got off at my stop and forgot my guitar in the trunk. When I realized about 10 minutes later, a few steps away from my home gate, I went back to the park in search for it, and stayed waiting until about 10:30 pm. I did not see the taxi nor my guitar. Sad. I had assignments to complete the same night, and class the next day for 7a.m -this would be where I would catch up with most of the hours of sleep I missed that night. I was drained.

I found the taxi the next day during break at 11 a.m. Talk about being ecstatic :).And I was glad for the protection and mercies He gave. I still am.

For me though, the show will be a success when I can send a message across in our celebration of Love. To rekindle the hearts in our audience, the true nature of love. A love given to us from above; from God who is the author of Love; who loved the whole earth so much that he gave. And today at 6pm, it is my desire that I too, can give…in a soothing melody that will appeal to the soul.

For I am glad and grateful for these blessings that He gave to, even, me.