So, today, I did over an old song of mine which had been left resting for a long time, and it sounded really good. It had a nice embellishment that I believe came from time spent honing on the guitar. Some times of which I let go of the instrument out of feelings of frustration. Little did I know that these times were going to birth a subtle improvement in playing skill. I was hardly aware, but now I want to share.

I’m heading back into classes this week - tomorrow to be precise. It is a couple of months down the road till the end of undergrad. I feel worn already and sometimes torn. But I have got to press on; kick and push through this final lap. One thing for sure is certain, I will be needing to muster all of the discipline and focus necessary for a triumphant finish, more than ever. God, please help.

To think that I have started to harness thoughts of Grad school makes me wonder what kind of overachiever I’m trying to become. But I really don’t want to wait too long. I’ll be needing money,which means I'll have to work for a bit to save for some cash. Already I have a vague list of schools I’d like to send applications to. These I need to narrow down. I am still not certain of the choice to make as regards to area of specialty. My mind vacillates from between NP Cardiology to Public Health, and then to PA. Other days I feel like I want to just stay at a large university and teach undergrad and post grad. But that’s just typical me, being indecisive. If maybe I could wrap all of these options into one, I would be super glad - God, please help. For now, I guess I’ll have to take these steps one day at a time, and enjoy the happiness these last months here may bring.

What's left

There is a smile on my face as I write. Actually, it is a smirk. I am not sure of its origin, neither its intent. But it rests smugly across my face. Perhaps it is from the proud thought of my attempt at writing again after a good long while; after a rigid semester with scrupulous final exams that drenched away all of my wit and left me dry, knackered and empty. For these days it feels like writing has left me. And on other days, I feel like nearly everything has left.

The semester has come to an end with finals written last Friday. Campus was empty at my last visit Monday. Students have left to go home for the break. The halls are empty, and so is the parking lot. But I’m here still, in my room. This pleasant room that has become my good friend over these years; always here waiting on my return from whatever voyage. A trusted and loyal friend I must say.

There’s a panoply of books neatly packed beneath my bed. A packed pile of textbooks, dictionaries and notebooks from the semester - books that constantly fed my thoughts the past four months. They too must be closed for a while now. They too need a break.

But this break will be short, for already there is less than a week left. Summer school resumes soon. And when it does, it shall be back to textbooks, dictionaries, notebooks, and a classroom filled with beautiful ladies who together with me will be writing papers and tests. And of course weeks of internship at the community clinic in Mandeville. This will be most of my summer.

This week, I have been catching up on lost sleep from the past four months. It is such a good feeling to know that I am waking up to a cold and rainy morning with no obligations or assignments, only the touch of a cozy comforter to keep me warm in bed for as long as I wish, and the soothing sounds of folk music.

Problem is I had to spoil this cozy comfort spin by accepting to tutor this lady in Biostatistics. A class I have to study for three hours in order to be confident at teaching a two hour class three times a week. The thing is I never really say no to cash offers, especially when I have time at my disposal. Or perhaps I just got tired, too early, of everything leaving. Either way, I’m glad this smile is still here resting on my face, however smug. For it is proof, for certain, that not everything has left. I still have writing on the one hand. And on the other, that strange ability to make even the most daunting task appear like sipping a glass of orange juice. To these I am thankful for His grace.

The eureka look that appear on a student’s face are my most gratifying moments as a teacher. And today, I was left with a little more than one.

little beginnings

Remember when we started small
When all we had wasn’t tall
We weren’t stocked
With goods like the shopping mall

But we started small
If you would recall

But Now I look back and
There’s a huge space down this hall
From that little place
where we started small.

Dear Friend...

You have stayed with me through my transitions
For each time I died and rose back again
It felt like a new world
One that I did not recognize its inhabitants
But your voice sounded just the same.

And through all of my life stages
There were traces of you
Supporting in all of my acquisitions
With our timely rites of passage
Brother and brother, hand in hand.

You urged me on when I was down
When I had my head buried in thigh
Hiding my many faces of shame and doubt
With a love that had no condition
You took me up and affirmed me with a crown.

You are the bridge
Between my old and new worlds
The tall tree with sturdy branches
I am thankful dear friend
For the naïve child of yesterday,
Has become a sage today.

I rise

When I stand in the middle
I stand alone
there's a crowd to the side
the winds have blown

Their sight is subtle
It catches the eyes
My knees are feeble
But still I rise.

Life as a flux!

However hard as I often wish, I cannot find the solution to all of humanity’s problems - though the thought of their struggles is a heavy weight that constantly pulls me along the way of gravity. Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to play God for a day. Then, there will be no need for Medical or Nursing schools, for there will be no need for doctors, nurses, or the hospital, as there would be no ill or diseased patients. There will be no jails, nor sadness, nor pain, nor sorrows; no death, no hunger, no crime; no addiction, no suffering, no war; no earthquakes, no heartbreaks. This must be heaven in my imagination. Come live with me.

But these days, I find that situations have a way of flipping between extremes in such short intervals, even without trying hard. One minute I’m worried over a looming problem, and then the next minute the trouble vanishes, and I wonder where it all went. A similar experience I have observed with bipolar patients I encountered at the Psychiatric unit. These show a quick vacillation in mood that leaves me perplexed, and thinking to myself that these guys must be really lucky to have no need to waste time on worry. Just live.

I’m almost at the end of my clinical rotations. This the 8th week. And who would have thought they would have come by so quick. Five weeks of pediatrics, and in the third week of psychiatry, with two more to go. Some days have been dreadful, while others have been nice.

There have been days of tireless work interspersed with precious moments with patients and colleagues on and off the wards. I have made few friends with the sick kids and the mentally ill adults, and have come to realize that the label “mad” is most times misused and misrepresented. Or maybe it is just me, so easy at making friends, even with the “mad” and “crazy” men and women. Yet, I am glad to know that my appeal goes across the border of intelligence and sanity. For it is not every day that I get a “can I go out on a date with you when I get out of here”, or “can I kiss you?” from a lady. Only this time, I had to emphatically reply with a “no, that would be inappropriate.”

But behind all the charades, it feels good to know that even with the worry in my heart that aches for them, when I smile, they smile back. And in this, we share an understanding of the simple ways in which we smoothly ride the flux of life.

The Sun

She wears the sun
Yet her skin is without a burn
Her radiant attire torches like fire
The heat from her air blows a burning desire

She shines like the sun
Rays of hope pierces through your soul
Murders your pains like a firing gun
Makes the dark speed up with a run

She is the sun
The one that dawns the fears of dusk
That lights the world with smiles for no buck
If you lose your way and need a guide
Here she is, behold the sun.